Now despite the title of this article I want everyone to
know that I am not purposefully excluding religions or believers on purpose. I could have picked Muhammad or Shiva or
Buddha but frankly not one them sound as much fun as my man Jesus here. The
J-man is too legit to quit and so I’m going to spin a yarn on the chap. Besides if I chose Muhammad my luck would
have it getting reprinted in some Danish newspaper and we’d never hear the end
of it.
So instead I’m just going to stick with my homeboy Jesus. It doesn’t matter really since just about
everyone believes he existed anyway; the Muslims and the Jews just have him
playing a different role than the Christians do. I mean, they all wrote some thick ass books and
all their books have J Diddles in them doing something. His role is just a teeny weeny bit different
in each. No big deal. Think of it as Batman. In the Christian’s version, Jesus is Batman;
a super awesome mixture of one Keaton and Bale played, not like that shitty
version that Clooney did. And by the way
George, if you’re reading this, do us all a favor and quit being so damn
irresistible and make another movie. Alright,
so according to the Christian’s book all we have to do is shine our Jesus light
and he shows up, wearing a cape and acting super sick tight. In the
Muslim and Jewish Batman versions Jesus is more like Robin. He’s definitely better than that wannabe
acrobat that Chris McDonnell played, but he’s still only Robin nonetheless. Jesus could never be Batman for them because in
the Muslim’s version we would never see Batman’s face and in the Jewish version
there would never be a Batman Returns.
OK, back to the backpacker Jesus. First we must start by describing him, you
know, who he is, what he wears and how he likes his eggs. He’s probably a sunny
side up kind of a guy unless he wants to mess with God, then he just orders
deviled eggs. But for the sake of this essay
let’s go with the Catholic trinity version about Jesus. I’m most familiar with
that one and it will let us treat him like a man and give him human
characteristics but let him keep all of his magic tricks too. But if you’re
like me and passed 2
nd grade before you were 9 then you already
learned how to tie your shoes, color in the lines and found out that 3 does not
equal 1. So to help our minds catapult
over this distraction I recommend you think about the Trinity like a Swiss army
knife. The first one they made, not the
recent versions that have foregone any semblance of
pocket knife and make it look like you’ve got an 8 inch wooden
dildo shoved down you
r pants. I don’t need a corkscrew or a pencil
or some fucking scissors. I need a sharp
blade and maybe a bottle opener (they really are interchangeable anyway)
That’s it. I’m going out into the woods
to camp and drink beer. I won’t be
writing notes and cutting snowflakes out of coffee filters or drinking a bottle
of wine in the woods. If I need to write
I’ll kill an animal and use their blood, snowflakes can be made with a knife
and good camping wine will always come from a box. I mean come on Switzerland, we ask so very
little of you; keep our money safe from taxes and make simple pocket
knives. And for each I say
FAIL
and
FAIL.
Although… I am a bit curious what it was like when that
first Swiss Army knife was made. I
envision something like the following, as it was played out one morning sometime
around WWII in the Swiss Alps between the twin brothers, Hansel and Grundle. (read in
a Swiss-German accent )
“Hey Grundle! Grundle,
look vut I have made”
“Oh hey Hansel.
Vut have you got today, maybe zum new muesli, yah?”
“Oh you’re such a silly Grundle. No, I’ve gotz something for
our picnic next week at zee chalet”
“Yaa?”
“Zee, I took our muzzer’s butter knife and attached zum
useful tools. Here I have zanother little
blade and on zis side I havz a bottle opener”
“Oh Hansel you are zo very imprezzive! Finally we can drink wine and butter our
bizcuts like real men.”
“I owze it to you my dear Grundle. You werz my inzapartion”
“But Hansel, vye did you havz to make za blade so sharp?”
“Because Grundle, in case zee Germans get us”
Anyway, back to Jesus and the trinity and the general
mindfuck that ensues any time we get drunk and think about it. Now can we, just
for a moment, take a time out and ask why if there can be a holy trinity there
isn’t more speculation about an evil trinity?
I’m pretty sure that if Satan saw God pull a little Multiplicity stunt,
he’s going to try one of his own. I
mean, he is Satan so he’s probably going to make himself into at least 4 (that Satan is such a one upping a-hole). Personally I think it’s been going on forever. I’m sure the typical red demon we all imagine
with a pitchfork down in hell is the opposite of God. Let’s say that fear that
washes over you when you fart but think you pooped yourself can represent the
evil version of the Holy Spirit. And as for the ever changing the sac of flesh here
on earth that is the counterpart of Jesus I postulate the following list of man-satans
throughout time: Vlad the Impaler, Columbus, Hitler, the inventor of the bra clasp (why
did we pass on Velcro?) and now that Steve Jobs is dead I guess it must be Mark
Zuckerberg . Yeaaaaaah, I’m pretty sure
Mark is the anti-christ.
Enough said, let’s paint a picture of Jesus the
Backpacker.
Clothes /
Appearance– While he’s not one for
being flashy I’m sure Jesus would ditch his usual garb for something a bit more
modern. I mean, a robe and crown of
thorns is so the 90’s. I’m picturing
something of a mix between a hippy and a Spaniard. That means he’d be wearing capris with a hemp
shirt and walking around in Chacos. He
might even be sporting an odd BYU t-shirt just to be a little ironic. That Jesus, always making you shake your head
and laugh. Of course he’d only be
wearing all of this for the sake of appearances because since he’s the son of
God he will never get cold or hot or have sweaty balls or any other
inconvenience that we suffer.
But to address the pink elephant in the room I’m going to
sidestep the whole race card for Jesus.
Although historically it would be accurate for Jesus to be Arabic in
disposition I can’t help but picture the “almost Swiss looking Jesus” that I
grew up imagining. And for that reason I
believe Jesus would actually appear more like the characters in Skanner Darkly.
He would not however, under any circumstances, sound like Keanu Reeves. Unless he has too much holy wine and starts roaming around and shouting “Party on dudes”!
Speaking of holy wine…
Food / Beverage
– While traveling one must adapt to his surrounding and that includes the
culinary delights. Going to dinner with
Jesus would be great. All you need to do
is let him order one dish and then after it arrives he will say a little Harry
Potter haiku and suddenly everyone has a plate of whatever Jesus ordered. One unknown is that I’m not sure if Jesus
would be dining as the “Jewish and therefore strict, boring and Kosher Jesus”,
or as the post-resurrection and now “Christian and willing to eat bacon wrapped
titties” kind of Jesus. Other than that
the only real downside to eating a meal with Jesus is that it seems he always
requires everyone to sit on the same side of the table.
When it comes to beverages there a couple of rules with
Jesus. 1 – never challenge him to a
drinking contest. He is Jesus. He will
win. 2 – Feel free to order him a drink
just don’t give him any vinegar and gall.
Every time he drinks it it’s usually an early night for him. Other than that feel free to get crazy with J
Money. Now God might be a bit of an
uptight blowhard but Jesus loves to party.
Get him lubed up a bit and he’ll definitely start putting on a
show. I once saw him beer bong a case of
vodka only to then create a hot tub, fill it with Guinness and river dance on
it like a drunk Leprechaun.
Music – Look
I’m ashamed to admit it here but I just know that Jesus would have an
iPod. For that, I’m going to call him a
sellout. He could have bought a Zune or
Creative but I bet he got pressured by a bunch of hipsters that it would be
better to have an iPod and try and all look all original and be a trendsetter
and all that shit. But I’m willing to
forgive the Almighty, just this once.
Rumor has it if you hit Shuffle on his iPod it might sound something like this:
Song 1: Straight Outta Compton by N.W.A.
I’ll be straight up wit you on this one; Jesus can be one
bad ass mother f***er. Hope, faith, love;
those religious buzzwords are God’s domain.
After Jesus got sick of taming angel muff in heaven he busted down to
earth to have himself a wild ass party. And
nothing gets him more in the mood than some Hennessy and hardcore gansta rap
from the likes of certain peoples with a particular attitude. Jesus can sometimes be seen with a sideways
Yankees hat and dre Beats slumped down in his seat riding the bus to the next
city, slowly nodding his head back and forth and faintly heard singing “city of
Compton, city of Compton.” Shit, Jesus is the
biggest G on earth.
Song 2: Something by Yo Yo Ma
I don’t know. I
just figured he’d have some classical shit or something. Maybe it’s Brahams or Chopin or Grieg or any
other artist that appears when you google classical
music. I just picked Yo Yo because
he’s still alive and if he was listening to one of the dead guys he might feel
pressured to perform some Lazarus resurrection or something. We don’t need Ludwig Van Curly Wig alive and roaming
the streets of New York; those guys are better off being celebrated from their
graves. As for the song by Yo Yo, no one
and Jesus included, actually know the title to any of his music. As with any
iPod these songs usually just turn up under playlists titled “study music” or “slow
banging tunes.”
Song 3: My Sacrifice by Creed
That’s right, Jesus loves you and he loves me and he
loves Creed too. And it’s not even because of the accidental religious undertone of the song
titled above. Nope, J Diddy is just like
Bob Slydell and his passion for Michael Bolton and that’s why he “celebrates
their entire catalogue”. That’s why he
even had God create Sean Parker just so that he would create Napster and Jesus
could download that shit. I mean, Jesus
loves to bang out with his wang out but he’s not going to pay for that stuff
(unlike the 40 million or so people that bought enough albums to certify 2 as
platinum and 1 as diamond allowing Creed to be one of the Top 20 bands most
purchased of the 2000’s). Bam! Even if no one reading this loves Creed (sans
the author) I recommend you start putting them back on your playlist because if
you don’t do it now you’ll be hearing the whole damn Human Clay album on repeat
in hell.
Song 4: Stairway
to Heaven by Led Zeppelin
Alright this one should be a no brainer and not just because
it references a mythical pathway beyond Mordor, through Middle Earth and around
the corner up into his home (…heaven). Fuck
no; that would be child’s play. It’s because
Jesus loves to smoke a bleezy and chill out to the greatest rock band of all
time. And no, The Beatles aren’t even in contention; Bonham had more talent in
his left arm than Ringo ever had (a point that Def Leppard’s Rick Allen could
never argue). I bet he’s got every
album, live show, b-side, bootlegged and hidden track on his iPod. It probably takes up 500 GB too but he doesn’t
give a shit. Damn, what I would give to have
a headphone jack splitter and sit on the Greyhound next to Jesus rolling
spliffs and sharing a bag of Peach-O rings while listening to IV.
Money – Jesus
wouldn’t have a credit card or cash or travelers checks. He’s Jesus.
All he’d have to do is perform a miracle and he’d get his shit for free.
Clerk: “Alright Sir, you’re total today here at The
Vatican Hooter’s comes to a record 3257 Euro.
How would you like to pay for that?”
J-Man: “I just added 3 inches to your penis.”
Clerk (smiling)
“Jesus Christ”
J-Man: “You said it man. No one f***s with the Jesus”
That’s it. That’s
Jesus as a backpacker. Now say your
prayers and hope he brings you a bunch of awesome shit at Christmas. I’m asking for tube socks and an NBA season.
Now I’m off to go find some New Zealand sheep to spend the
holidays with; Feliz Navidad everyone
