So I’ve been hitch hiking
my way around these little islands and I’ve taken it upon myself to write you
all a guide. Yes, yes I know, how considerate of me. Now there are a lot
of ins and outs to the whole process so before you start your next trip why
don’t you brew up a pot of coffee, pound some of that liquid caffeinated heaven
and then when go to take a giant poo you can sit and read about my latest
findings. This shit is so crazy that no other dignified [or real]
media outlet was willing to publish them. As for the title of
this piece I stole the idea from a book I never read and a movie I never
saw. I’m sure my article will be better if only because it’s
shorter.
Sign: Yes, make a sign. Why the fuck not? This gives you a perfect excuse to huff and
then scribble with those markers that smell like licorice or cinnamon. All you really need is cardboard and an ink
of sort. Road kill entrails or crushed
berries or whatever Martha Stewart mentioned on last week’s segment “Simple
Signs for those on House Arrest” will suffice. A sign
will definitely improve your chances of getting a lift. It doesn’t even have to be germane to your cause;
you just need to grab the driver’s attention.
You can scribe in another language or draw a picture of kittens eating
cheese or paint some happy trees. The point is people will notice man +
cardboard more than just man. The exception to this would be man sleeping in
cardboard; somehow people can walk past that all day and not notice it. Now man
+ cardboard isn’t quite as effective as woman – shirt. And of course Woman + sign – shirt = immediate
[car] ride. Just remember your sign
should be brief. Drivers will avoid you
if you try and write a 4th grade spool paper or if your sign
resembles any actual road sign. It’s
funny how drivers can miss a 28 foot giant green sign for their turn but will
notice and then slow down like some rubbernecking assholes to watch two pigeons
fuck on a guardrail (thanks oatmeal). Seriously, if you’ve ever ridden along for a long distance car
ride and you passed a sign with mileage for the upcoming cities I bet a big
gulp of blood diamonds that your driver turned and said “uhhhh…how far did that
say?” Real road signs are useless so
that’s why your sign needs only to grab their attention so that they see you, regardless
of what the sign says. And I guarantee
you will get someone’s attention if you draw a double rainbow.
Display a beverage: it’s a
fact that people love to drink and drive. Best thing about New Zealand is that no one
gets MADD when you’re cruising the highways with a bunch of road ready oat
sodas. What you need to do is stop by the nearest Kum and Go and grab a sixer
of something. It is imperative that it
is also a beer that you like to drink since you’ll have to be openly sampling
the goods on the side of the road to show everyone that it is in fact delicious
beer. Besides, you’re hitch hiking so
you shouldn’t be expected to provide too much, and giving away an entire 6 pack
would qualify as waaaaaay too generous.
You’re probably good if you offer them one and then maybe have a second
for backup. That means the other four
are yours for the drinking. And depending
on your lack of creativity you may opt for the writing of the Sign until after
drinking the first three beers.
Now concerning procedure; as
the driver slows down and opens the window to ask where you’re headed
immediately answer, “I have beer”. At
this point destination will become irrelevant as the willing commuter quickly leans
over to open your door. Make sure you
load your bags first and yourself and beer last. Nothing worse than dropping a case of Bud
heavy in the backseat and as you turn to grab your lesser belongings feel the
spray of gravel on the back of your head as driver and beers disappear into the
sunset. Now you’re in the middle of
fucking nowhere and you’ve got no beer.
Hopefully you packed your handgun.
Now, if beer is not your beverage
of choice then perhaps you may consider wine, liquor or RTD’s. By the way, New
Zealand is full of lemonheads slamming back heaps of RTD’s (it stands for ready
to drink). The stores even all have a shelf dedicated to these things. America had Mike’s Hard Lemonade and then put
on its man pants and created a deathly concoction of malted energy drinks. Then after drinking a pack of Four Loko’s
America took off its man pants and ran around naked in the snow while puking on
itself. Then America took its man pants off from its head and made that shit
illegal. Meanwhile New Zealand seems determined to breast feed booze to their
citizens with half-assed over sugared tiny cans of whiskey flavored cola. Hey NZ, nut up and make a 24 oz can of
liquefied crank or get off the pot.
RTD’s – you could have bought a bottle of Jack for the same price as 4
redbull sized cans of bourbon puff sauce.
Anyway, if on the rare occasion you are prepared to actually make your own mixed drinks and your
mixed drink happens to be a white
Russian; then, and only then, are you allowed to be dressed in a bathrobe and clear
jellies. And your sign must read “I’ve
got a beverage here man”. I promise some
dude will stop for you.
Location: There are some
obvious dos and don’ts about hitchhiking.
One of them is DO put yourself in a location that will help your
cause. I can only shake my head at all
the destitute travelers I’ve seen driven past with such haste merely because
they chose the wrong spot to stand. Tut tut. Places to avoid would include daycares and
schools. Surprisingly very few parents are willing to let a complete stranger with
a half drunk beer into their car after picking up their 4 year old from a day
of finger painting and STOP DROP and ROLL practice. And no, there exists no smile awesome enough
to help you out next to a playground.
Now, we all know a good place would be gas stations and truck stops but
those are obvious and there are plenty of hippies wearing Phish t-shirts and
Birkenstocks and smoking kind-bud already standing there. My suggestion would be outside of the local
bar. Your likelihood of getting a ride
will increase 174 times if you ask for a lift between 8 pm and midnight outside
of any bar. If you’re worried they’ll be a bad driver may I remind you that your
life must not be worth that much if you’re hitchhiking in the first place. If you can’t afford $13 a day from Hertz then
you might as well risk it all with the guy who just stumbled out of John’s
Tavern with a puke stain on his shirt and singing the words to Sweet Child of Mine. Other surprisingly effective locations are
bakeries and abortion clinics. I know
what you’re thinking and yes I was shocked about the bakeries as well. I guess there’s something about picking up a
box of a dozen Krispy Kreme dough balls that makes people momentarily lose
function of the lobe in the brain that would otherwise distrust a stranger in a
trench coat holding a duffle bag leaking with blood. If you disagree then go to Krispy Kreme or
Dunkin Donuts, walk inside, take a deep breath and then try and recite the
alphabet. You will fail.
Whip it out: Yeah sure, go ahead and whip it out. Nothing will get
you attention (and maybe a ride) faster than whipping out your pecker to
oncoming traffic. Remember, as with the
thumb you must point your pecker in the intended destination that you would
like to be traveling. So if you’ve been
spending your time on the side of the road fantasizing about Isabeli Fontana
(even her name makes you boner yourself) then keep your wiener compass in your
pocket since no car will be able to drive you that far North. As a side note: if you are seen with your
pocket rocket in your hand and you are either peeing or masturbating you will
probably not be picked up. Although we
all know about the scientific requirements to empty penile liquids most drivers
would rather not actually see it happening lest they fear you may recreate any
ejaculation in their car. If you must
pee from all the beer you’ve been drinking then at least hide behind your sign
or lay in the ditch. Same goes for any
emergency j-o sessions. Yes, there are
such things.
Presentation: In order to
secure a ride you must appear trustworthy.
Comb your hair, brush your teeth and hide all weapons. An exception to this rule is the
crossbow. Crossbows are so cool that
anyone and their grandma will immediately want you to ride with them. I’ve seen a car full of people pullover and
drop off two children to exchange them for an average man with a crossbow. They are that effective. Too bad they were one of the worst weapons of
the Middle Ages.
“Oh hey Mr. Enemy, you must be terrified of me and my crossbow! Let me
just try and aim this thing. How the
fuck do you aim it anyway? It can’t be
like a gun because those don’t exist yet. Oh damn, I missed. Hold on for a half hour while
I turn a crank to reload this useless weapon. Oh, shit. Ouch! While I was reloading
my crossbow you used a normal bow and arrow and shot me 72 times before walking
up to chop my head off with a sword. I
might be dead but I look damn good with this crossbow by my corpse”
But in the modern day they are
not only the sexiest weapon (second only to Heidi Klum with numchukcs) but they
are very, very difficult to effectively use in a car so drivers won’t be
avoiding you.
Now, a shower is not necessary
since the smell test can’t be effectively enforced until you have already
boarded your new vessel. Yes, it is
considerate to scrub one’s taint before getting into someone else’s car but it
is not, I repeat, not a requirement.
More important is to ensure that you are wearing pants. Surprising as it
maybe be, no pants, although comical, causes a hitchhiker to be quickly passed
by most motorists. Notable exception
would once again be Heidi Klum without pants (numchucks now optional). They say first impressions mean everything and
that is definitely true when first impressions last 1.5 seconds as drivers fly
by at 125 KPH (I have succumb to metric.
On the plus side everything sounds bigger in metric).
Your best bet is that they have
seen your sign from a distance and as they draw nearer they also have located
the partially consumed sixer of tallboy PBR’s at your feet. Your pants are on but your penis is out and
pointing down the road towards Auckland so they know you’re going the same way
as them. If you’re located on the corner
next to The Sheep Hole Pub you might as well start reaching for your bag
because the next driver is definitely slowing down to pick you up.
In all seriousness though, be
safe when hitch hiking. Wear bright
clothes, put the safety on the crossbow and never, ever, give your driver any
beer before you put your bags in the
back.
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