Top 6 Reasons to trek the Annapurna Circuit (AC):

Alright, I realize I've been away for a long time and you're expecting a little something in return. Worry not I say to you. I have sat and drank and reflected on my trip like a Buddhist monk set ablaze in the street. Here now I present to you my list of reasons to hike the Annapurna Circuit. Enjoy.

6 Cuisine - Attention, attention! Calling all aspiring anorexics! If you want to succeed take a trek on the AC. The food is so awful there’s no doubt you’ll be down to your desired 80 lb sexy weight in no time. Besides, I hear sunken cheeks and protruding collar bones are in this summer. Every meal of every day you can choose from rice, pasta or potatoes. Of course you can get it boiled or fried so that really opens up the options. Let’s see, if I employ some basic math skills here…carry the 1….round to the nearest whole number….and it looks like your food options are about as good as they would be at “federal pound me in the ass prison.” Now, all locals on the AC seem to subsist on something called Dal Baht which is basically white rice covered with some baby diarrhea. This led me to pursue the Snickers and Fanta diet and found me relentlessly filing the end of my toothbrush should a riot ever break out over the last can of Pringles. On the AC it’s every man for himself. And if the difference between me eating moldy rice or the last Twix bar depends on running my best friend through with some hastily sharpened dental equipment or sitting idly by, you better check your six at the snack counter. It never came to that though since Corporate American snack foods had permeated every inch of that fucking jungle saving my body from shriveling up smaller than a MLB player’s post-steroidal sac.

Cuisine – now I can fit into my skinny jeans!

5 Trekking Gear Shops– Alright, let’s start off with a genuine reason here. Kathmandu is littered with tiny little shops run by tiny shouting men that will say anything to get you to buy genuine fake gear. Sure, these guys are more annoying than what your evening’s slam piece is saying but they’ve got some seriously discounted gear. North Face, Patagonia, Goretex all priced less than the morning after pill. I know shopping in the fucking jungle heat of Kathmandu for a jacket designed to keep your balls warm if you ever got stuck in a subzero freezer isn’t as fun as plugging some slut’s yap; but I bet that jacket will last longer than you did the first night skanky Sally let you get to third base. I was seriously under geared for my trek and walked away ready to survive any Michael Bay movie for less than $100. Maybe you can wine and dine for less than that but my fur lined jacket won’t look half as ugly as your date’s mug the next morning.

Trekking gear shops - $20 never bought better Nroth Face and Pattugonia!

4 Architecture – If you took Hurricane Katrina victims 24 hours after their shitty homes melted like butter on hot tits and sat them down in front of some of these “guest houses” on the AC they’d look back at you and laugh. The construction of these buildings not only appears to have gone to the lowest bidder but that group just happened to be a bunch of alcoholic autistics. Whoever designed these ramshackle teepees decided to build using some new technology by combining scrap metal, sawdust, and string. Avoiding common sense and steering clear of basic architectural theory these structures lacked novelties like insulation, walls and right angles. There’s little doubt that the citizens of the Haiti shanty towns are looking at pictures of these places with pity in their eyes.

AC Architecture – there’s no way they built this shit sober.

3 Yeti – If you weren’t aware, according to Wikipedia the Yeti is “an ape-like cryptid said to inhabit the Himalayan region of Nepal, India and Tibet.” So basically he’s some fuckin’ snow beast that will rape your children while you sleep. I thought all this was just a myth until I started talking to some of the locals, but they really believe this shit. Our guide was certain he’s seen the actual footprints and whoa be it if I discount a god damn Sherpa, so I started looking for signs and taking extra precaution. One night when I was sure Yeti was close I tricked my trekking companion to turn his underwear around before going to bed. I figured if Yeti burst in during the night maybe he’d spot the reverse trousers and aim for the bum with an easy opening (besides my companion might like it too). Yet as time wore on my paranoia turned to curiosity and awe. I began taking uncustomary measures: leaving false trails, setting urine baited death pits and “pounding 7 gram rocks” to ward off sleep if only to catch glimpse of this giant fertile beast. Ultimately my heavy doses of amphetamines lead me to a land of disillusions and at one point I was sure I had spotted Yeti and Sasquatch running train on some poor hapless Unicorn.

Yeti – this snow beast is legit.

2 Abstinence – No, this isn’t part of some Bush referendum in which I’ll withhold your allowance if you don’t keep your pecker packed up until marriage. This is far, far worse. Today I’m speaking about abstaining from the male holy trinity: meat, alcohol and masturbation. The AC may not overtly challenge everyone in the same way, but I felt it my Catholic duty to hoist a cross of abstinence and trudge up my own Golgotha with dry lips, an empty stomach and an increasingly bluish hue forming in my under regions. Let me address each individually.

First is meat. For the ignorant, meat is to real men what pussy is to real men. Once you taste it you’ll do anything: punch an infant, stab your grandma, even call a fat girl pretty, just to get another taste. Now, on the AC electricity is rare and proper refrigeration even rarer. I don’t know what the fuck a Nepali ice box is but I don’t trust it’s been keeping that water buffalo below 40 degrees all week. To risk some chicken pot pie is to juggle flaming cats; it just doesn’t make sense. So this was a burden of necessity and I implore you to avoid at all costs. Should you ever choose to abstain meat at sea level I will openly question our friendship and mock you like a leper.

Next is alcohol. Now I must admit you can readily buy beer and some spirits on the trail at an ever increasing cost as the trail climbs. I blame the altitude for making most of my poor decisions (see Yeti) and am sure my resolution to avoid all libations was due to my increased proximity to the sun….and the fact a beer cost $27. Although I successfully finished the pass without a drop touching my mouth I feel more embarrassed than proud and resolve to never attempt this feat again. To those out there considering abstaining; don’t, you’ll be no better for it. For those whose lives have been ravaged by alcohol; I implore you to hold on to the one thing that still loves you. God knows your family hates you so just keep drinking. And for those of you who don’t drink; get the fuck off this blog. If Jesus were here he’d turn your Shirley Temple into tequila and we’d do body shots off Mary (c’mon, she’s not going to stay a virgin forever).

Finally is masturbating. On the trail there are extremely limited options for busting nuts. The women are sparse and grizzled like yaks and the yaks themselves are selfish lovers. This leaves you with one option, going solo. Now I had a trekking buddy and he was a bit of a rainbow if you catch my drift. We shared some pretty close quarters and I wasn’t about to risk getting him hot and bothered with the thought of me getting down with myself. Nary was there an opportunity to squeeze in “a stranger” much less explain why I’m sitting on my hand for 15 minutes during dinner. So I volunteered my soldier for a walk in the desert as we searched for the higher Promised Land. Again, I blame the altitude’s silver tongue for coercing me into such a childish prank. I think Satan himself wouldn’t go so far to destroy a man’s soul. Perhaps it was the thin air and wandering eye of my trekking buddy that permeated my thoughts and led to what seemed like 40 years of hell but this too shall not be repeated. I know this goes without saying, but you’re not engaging yourself, Les and I “want you to take a step back….and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.”

Needless to say by the end of the trek when I was set free it was sensory overload. The harsh conditions and duration of punishment led me to land of mishaps as I attempted to make beef margaritas, grill my penis and wantonly stroke a bottle of Makers.

Abstinence – forget 30 pieces of silver, I’d have given Him up for steak and an ice cold Michelob.

1 Winning – That’s right, that over drugged whacked out playboy has summed it all up for me. I just spent the last 14 days carrying 30 pounds and trekking 90 miles to cross over a pass at 17,769 feet. The trek was gruesome, harrowing and relentless. Climates changed at an alarming rate as we went from swamp ass jungle to nut freezing high desert. Thwarted by narrow passages, landslides and knee deep donkey shit, we were forced to trek onward lest we turn around and be called pussies. The lack of oxygen affected my breathing and even worse, cut into my smoking; so much for crossing the pass like a fucking Marlboro man. It was all worth it though; on the day of the crossing I reached the top, smiled like a pirate and shouted the words of my man Det. Alonzo Harris “King Kong, ain’t got shit on me!!”

WINNING – It’s not just for overpaid douche bags anymore.