Some of best / worst / weirdest / funniest / things while traveling: 2

Crazy Night – Siem Reap, Cambodia : August 3^rd 2011

Alright, so Cambodia is a hell of a place. I totally recommend everyone to tour the massive site of Angor Wat. There are some wicked temples and other ruins that are great to view when tripping on a half oz of shroomers. Check out my photos of us pretending to bang stone lions. Shit’s great.

Anyway, so the city of Siem Reap is pretty decent too and David and I had quite an interesting first night. It started with us on the hunt for some decent grub after killing some Angkor beers back at the hostel. Man sized appetites demanded meat and we stopped by some restaurant that had some animal roasting on a spit. This thing was the size of a small cow and had a long tail but the meat was all white. It smelled good so we took a seat; we figured if the locals were eating it then it had to be food, or close to it. I implemented some wicked sign language to get us some beers and an order of the grilled beast. (We never did learn what the fuck it was). When our food arrived we were treated to what can only be described as pieces of skin on top of pieces of fat. It was about as chewy as a used Trojan (or so I’ll assume…) and tasted about the same. Fuck it though; we ate it, pounded the beer and paid our $3 bill and left. After grubbing on some banana pancakes in the street (absolute tits!) we found ourselves a nice bar packed with locals. We were the only vanillas in the joint but what the hell, everyone drinks beer.

Side note: The whole world loves beer. It’s a beautiful thing, but that’s another topic.

So we started guzzling some local brew for like a nickel a pint or something. I don’t know, when we left we were drunk so we just left some monopoly money and walked away. By this time the beer was taking hold and we were getting a case of the drunken munchies. I attempted to beckon the waiter over but in hindsight I think I just waved at everyone that walked by. I mean after a fistful of Angkor beers they really do all look the same. I inquired to whoever showed up what would make for a good snack choice and he recommended dried snake. “Oh shit,” I said “I didn’t realize snake was in season. Yes, bring us one.” It was dark in the bar but what arrived definitely looked like a dried rolled up snake. It was salty like jerky but definitely did not taste like beef. Honestly, it was pretty decent and we ate the whole thing, washing it down with some more pints. At this point I had to rock a piss so I set out searching for the men’s room. Outside was a trough of sorts with dudes letting loose. I pulled up a spot and just as I whip it out some little guy comes up behind and starts rubbing my shoulders.

Handsy bathroom dude : “You like massage mister?”

Me: “Uhhh, yeah. Wait no. What the shit are you doing?”

Handsy bathroom dude: “I give you massage”

Me: “Yeah I see that. I’d suggest you stop doing that.”

Handsy bathroom dude: “You sure you not want massge?”

Me: (Pausing while he worked down the lumbar) “Yes, I’m sure.”

Let’s be honest, the dude had soft hands but I just can’t be having that. I mean, usually I can pee anywhere anytime, but with a little Cambodian man rubbing your back and your dick is already in your hand it’s surprisingly difficult to piss. Luckily he backed off and I was able to take care of business. I made my way back to the table and we proceeded to drink more and then hit the road.

So we’re making our walk back home when we turn a corner and out of fucking nowhere David is mobbed by hookers. Now, I already had a prostitute grab my cock in passing when I was in Laos so I was a seasoned vet to this shit and I figured the rookie David could shake it off and we’d move on. In fact I found it quite funny and while I’m laughing I proceed to grab my can of Grizz and begin packing a dip. It must have been the beers but I hadn’t figured our little situation wouldn’t have been a problem but all of a sudden they spot me too and come flocking. Now, these girls ain’t like hookers back home; these bitches get quite physical, almost violent. At this point I got three or four women surrounding me, bumping into me, grabbing me all over and speaking broken English sex talk. Quickly I realize that I have a bit of a dilemma; my can is open and I can’t afford to spill this shit (you can’t get chew in Asia) but these hoes be trippin’ and trying to make a mess of things. I’m trying to keep steady with my hands while trying to force theirs away with the rest of my body when, Fuck! I realize they got their hands in my pockets and it’s not my junk they’re after, it’s my cash. I jiu jitsu my way out while David and I make a hasty zig-zag maneuver to finally break free of them. God damn sluts tried to rob two poor drunk white boys. Trapster probably said it best: “Damn! Sluts!”