Hello readers,
I realize yet again that I have left a large gap with my blog posts. I hope you have been able to fill that void with drugs, alcohol and Harry Potter. I blame Beerlao, Tiger Whiskey and the amazing value of Laos street hookers (the exchange here is awesome) for my absence from the blog. Going forward I vow to increase my posts and write about things that are weird, funny or horrible while I travel. Since I journal everything in my other blog I forget to keep you all aware of the best and worst parts. So…..my deepest apologies. I have some catching up to do but here are a couple of them from days past to get you started.
Traveler’s Diarrhea - Pokhara, Nepal : May 31st 2011
I awake with a bulging feeling in my gut. There’s low rumble with an impending request to make an exit. I stumble to the bathroom in the dark and turn on the light. Fuck, there are 3 cockroaches stunned by my entrance. Cockroaches always look guilty when you see them in a group; like they were doing drugs, telling a dirty joke or standing around with their “wieners hanging out for everyone to see.” Under normal circumstances I would have shrieked like a bitch and then grabbed a shoe to chase the fuckers. But not this time, fuck me I barely make it to the toilet in time. Standing there I shuffle my feet and hear a crunch as one of the roaches miscalculated my need to regain my footing when pissing at night with a raging pee boner. But wait, what’s that?! I pull down my pants and land on the seat just in time as lunch comes pouring out like a fire hose. Twice, no, three times. Fuck I say, I think I’ve got the shits. Feeling depleted and tired I head back to bed. But sleep does not come as there is no rest to my stomach while it churns and pain mounts inside. It is but half an hour before I am forced to return to the throne and further empty solids, liquids and plasmas from my body. It’s only twenty minutes later and I am urged back, but this time it is my stomach. I drop to my knees and violently heave as dinner bursts like a culinary volcano. After the third heave while I ponder if it tastes better coming out than going in (the food in Nepal is really bad) I jolt upwards and sit down just in time as liquid fire escapes my ass. By 3 am I am making my eighth appearance and while slumped over with my intestines leaking from my body I smack under my leg and feel a squishy crunch as I kill a second of the roaches. I’m not sure why but he seemed to have been headed for my butthole. I feel so sick I don’t even care. The minutes tick on with return appearances of me in the bathroom. I am so thirsty but we have no water, the stores are closed and tap water isn’t safe. I rummage through the bag of my roommate looking for iodine pills or a revolver. In a state of confusion as to why I am going through his shit at 5 in the morning I moan something about water and cockroaches so he gets up to help. He finds the pills but reminds me it takes nearly an hour for them to work and the water to be safe. Fuck. And so it goes for the next 24 hours as I lurch and moan in bed like a beached whale, making 20 individual trips to the bathroom. The only thing keeping me alive was the thought of smashing that third and final cockroach. Well, that and a heavy dose of azithromycin.
Smuggling Beers - Bangkok, Thailand : July 2nd 2011
Alright so it’s the night before the presidential elections and the country of Thailand thinks it’s a good idea to stop selling alcohol at 6 pm. Let me sum it up as the worst idea ever. I mean it’s not like there is a history of violence related to elections. Anyway, so we were hoping this just applied to the impoverished Thai citizens but we soon discovered that even the tourist section had dried up. Such news could only be described as fucking lame. It’s like learning that Santa Claus doesn’t exist anymore because he died of AIDS before they could make a quilt big enough to cover the North Pole. So yeah, it’s basically the worst night imaginable. But as we are strolling a side street we here a little voice shout out “hey, what you need? You need beer?” My friend and I look at each other like we just spotted the Holy Grail. Well, the Holy Grail if Jesus bled Chang. We shuffle over to the man to confirm our request. He nods his head and makes a secret Thai signal (holds up two fingers) to another man hidden in the shadows. Moments later two cold packages wrapped in newspaper are delivered to our shaky hands. We sneak the man some cash and shove the giant bottles in our pockets. Had this been another night we would have happily pretended that we had “popped some Viagra to issue tickets with raging boners.” But tonight we had to sneak our way home. Honestly we both felt like we were back in high school buying our first bag of weed. What a couple of pussies we were. We checked every corner for cops and took side road all the way back home. Not only that but we paid triple the normal price. Fuck, sometimes you just have to have a Chang.
Cockroaches with their wieners hanging out, hahaha.
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