Note: If you want to see photos you’ll have to visit my other blog or my facebook page. It’s too much of a pain in my dick to upload them everywhere. Just click this link to my PG blog and shutup. Also, it’s nearly 2 am here in Bangkok and I’m hammered. I started this sober and finished it tonight. Ignore the mistakes and enjoy the rest.
Zoos
Alright, I acknowledge that I have been away from this blog for quite some time. In my defense I was busy drinking and fucking. If you think those are poor excuses you should go make me a sandwich because anyone who doesn’t think that pursuing carnal pleasures is the most important thing in the world clearly shouldn’t be wasting her time thinking and should be busy stacking meats on other meats. And don’t forget to toast the bread.
l should also clarify that Sarah just visited me in Thailand so I wasn’t randomly dipping my stick in foreign holes with careless abandon. But now that she’s gone I have a green light to frolic in the nightlife of Thailand and play my favorite games of “Is She a He?” and “I Can Do What That For $3?” with unbridled booze fueled pleasure. And for the record all of them have been He’s. Money well spent.
But in the days leading up to her arrival I was passing my time in Bangkok taking in the sites and had the opportunity to visit its shitty zoo and it has left me thinking. This whole zoo racket needs a bit of a home makeover and who better to make the big decisions on what animals to keep and which to toss into the gutters of Kolkata, than me, Zoo Critic Aficionado.
OK, Zoos have too many damned animals that no one gives a shit about and not enough interactive exhibits. In the future there will be 3 criteria for who is chosen to sit in a giant box of natural habitat for eternity and who gets to join Toto and go bless the fucking rains down in Africa. And the criteria are….Big, Dangerous or Cute. That means elephants, pythons and seals are in and camels, rats and every god damn bird is out (will address later). And any animal with a combination of these powers: like a rhino, a panda with a machete or a fascist penguin, is guaranteed a golden ticket to the big show. Any animal that lacks one of these criteria can piss off.
BIG: OK, this is the exact opposite from the traits to be looked for in humans. Notice to fat chicks: no one likes you; we only appreciate putting another notch in our belt. When I come back from the zoo I want to tell everyone I saw the first giraffe/ blue whale cross breed. I don’t want to tell my friends I fucked one. Back to the point here, big animals make the cut because by default they are savage beasts. I like the fact that if you attempt to feed a buffalo in the wild he might freak and trample your family while you take photos from the top of the Jeep. You’re going to regret not having bought that Canon EF-S 55-250mm telephoto lens when the last memory you have of your daughter is a grainy blur of dirt, fur and blood. At least remember to put it on ACTION mode when you’re on the Jeep!!
Exceptions: Hippos. These aren’t big they’re just fat. If hippos were people they wouldn’t be in the WWE they’d be that sweaty guy you got stuck behind at the DMV. Don’t mistake fat for unique, beautiful or special.
DANGEROUS: Holy shit I love dangerous animals (from behind an steel gate of course). I’m talking about all the cats: tigers, lions, cougars and jaguars. All the bears: brown, black, white, white and black, cinnamon and teddy. We’re keeping the sloths, poisonous frogs and sharks. I love witnessing any animal that in other circumstances would just as soon slash through a man’s thigh like butter and eat his face while he screams in terror. I would however, like to give a belated shout out to V Kilmer though for solving that nasty lion problem back in 1996.
Exception: Poisonous spiders. I hate spiders and they’re no way in hell they’re coming into my zoo. They give me the heeby jeebies and a zoo is no place for that.
Cute: Before you call me a queer for this one don’t worry, I checked the official bro code and it’s cool to like cute things. It’s like thinking your buddy’s little sister is cute. Yeah she’s only 17 but she’s got perky tits and he isn’t your best friend anyway. No one is going to blame you if you get to cop a feel. So…cute animals are in. Admit it, you love watching those little otters play in the water and when the penguins come scampering down that little ice luge it makes us all a little wet.
Top 3 biggest wastes at a Zoo:
Insects: About as useful as a degree in English are the bug exhibits. I don’t like bugs out of a cage so I sure as shit don’t need to see a million of them running around a box of dirt. Oh, what is this? The new mosquito exhibit you say? Well sure I’d like to enter it. Nothing gives me more pleasure than looking like the Indians after we gifted them all those warm blankets. We hire people to kill these things in our homes and you want me to pay to see they live in a shoebox? I don’t care see ants living in a farm or watch snails move faster than Superman after he fell off a horse. I’ll go to the Amazon if I want Malaria or to New Orleans if I need to see cockroaches feasting on a FEMA failure. Creepy crawlies are fucking out.
Exceptions: Ladybugs and the cast of Bug’s Life. Man I miss getting high and watching Pixar.
Animals we eat: Why would I pay to see an animal that might be part of my dinner that I’m eating at Old Country Buffet? Deer, kangaroos, ostrich, goats, deer, fowl, fish, zebras, pigs, cows, sheep, antelope and gazelles are all excommunicated from my zoo. Look, unless you’re going to set up a giant spit in the center of the Zoo and let us pick our lunch there is no reason to showcase this entrees. No one wants to pay an entrance fee to see how our dinner eats hay and takes a shit. We hunt, butcher and devour these animals. If you want to see these animals walk into Safeway and get a steak stuffed with a pork chop wrapped in bacon and fry an eagle egg on top. And get it to go so you can eat it while you’re touring the zoo. The wild beasts will go crazy from the scent and we’ll have the fences so low they just might jump to take a bite. Interactive zoos is where it’s at.
Exceptions: Any endangered species. Just knowing it’s illegal makes it that much more awesome. I invite some spotted owls to make an appearance at my Zoo but I’ll be handing out complimentary crossbows to make things interesting.
And finally….Birds: The number one biggest failures at zoos are birds. They’re loud, annoying and don’t do anything but fly around. And don’t tell me that flying is significant enough and that’s what makes them special. Giving a bird credit for flying is like high fiving a fatty for having diabetes. Of course they’re going to fly; they have wings attached to their bodies. Show me a chicken in the cockpit of a F-15 mowing down escaping refugees with a .50 cal and then I’ll say birds can come into my zoo. Until then, let’s call birds what they are; assholes who can shit on you and get away with it. To help prove my point let’s look at the famous birds in our culture and break down why they suck.
First is Donald Duck. This quacking sack of pubic feathers wouldn’t be so bad if he had never introduced us to his shitty little nephews: Douchey, Pooey, and Louie. When I was watching my Saturday morning cartoons all I wanted to see was that dipshit coyote repeatedly stick Acme dynamite up his ass in hopes of blowing his pecker through the roadrunners skull. Instead I would be randomly treated to three autistic baby ducks yammering about their molester uncle and go on asinine adventures. You took away the Saturday mornings of my youth and I refuse to let that happen as an adult.
Next are Angry Birds. It’s hard to hate on these flying missiles of animated ecstasy but then again I hate anything made popular by Apple. I just want Jobs to know I’m routing for the tumor. But on behalf of corporate America…everyone needs put down your iPods and get the fuck back to work. You’re putting us in jeopardy of being as productive as a condom at a bugchasing party.
And finally…Big Bird. Never in my life have I seen a more apparent pedophile wearing a costume. At least with clowns we know they’re after our kids, but that’s why we hire them. Anything to get 2 hours of peace and quiet while little Jimmy can become afraid of the dark and people with red balls on their noses. For years Big Bird has masqueraded as a servant to our children, supposedly wanting to teach them how to tie their shoes and make PB&J sandwiches. Jesus Christ, if your kids are that retarded then let them play with some giant groping bird that always has a suspicious smile on his face. There’s little doubt what goes on inside Big Bird’s trailer when the cameras aren’t rolling. I bet Snuffleupagaus would probably be getting in on the action too if he didn’t look like he had always just injected a pound of heroine. By the way, Snuff would be allowed in my zoo on grounds of big and potentially dangerous.
Notable exceptions: Penguins - these little fuckers are too damn cute to be mad about. Besides, they live on a sheet of ice, slide into frigid water to have fun and can’t even fly. Everyone wants a penguin as a pet.
Black Swan – Natalie Portman is hot and can cum and preform at my zoo anytime.
Changes to make to Zoos
Now that I’ve pulled the panties down and given zoos a little bit of penetration it’s time to tell them how to tend to their wounds. Yeah, clear the cages of those no talent ass birds so we’ve got space for our new additions. Or at the very least we need to add a little intrigue to the day’s events. Here are my suggestions:
1: Humans cage. I can’t possibly be the first person to think of this one. What would be better than see your fellow man in a miniature version of his real world? We could finally know how he acts in the wild, track his moves and discover the long lost mating habits. Maybe men do cry when watching Lifetime or maybe women do like it in the ass (fingers crossed). We would finally find out. No worries, all subjects would be volunteers and paid a fair wage. Finally, we can find out how someone survives in one of those 100 sq ft Ikea floor plans.
OK, so now you’ve read and internalized all my great ideas you should have come to a some forgone conclusions: viewing savage beasts in a fake environment is worth your precious time if your lady promises to blow you while you watch NFL on Sunday, animals when given the proper equipment to terrorize civilians is better than watching Will Smith pretend to be awesome in any movi, and unless we find a Pterodactyl, birds need to stay the fuck out of Zoos.
Goodnight everyone.
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