The Problem with Tipping: Asia has little tips. America has big tips. Maybe our tips could meet in the middle.
Here’s the deal; too many people in America expect too big of a tip too often. Over here in Asia you damn near start a riot when you roll a couple pennies down the road (which is major fun by the way). Had I known that I wouldn’t have spent all my change on those Thai hookers. And Cambodian whores. And Indonesian muff piles. Seriously. One roll of nickels, 17 bad decision. Anyway, back home if you left that whole roll you would still be treated worse than Wu Tang at a Klan party.
But I can already see what’s going to happen here. If anyone out there is currently or has ever worked in the service industry they will probably read this title and immediately became an indignant cocktart and decide without reading the rest of this that I am wrong. So to soothe your qualms and stem those tears I’m going to say this, but only once; I think leaving tips is a nice idea and this is written purely for entertainment.
Not.
OK, let’s get shit started. Now I realize there are a lot of different people around America that are jumping on this bullshit handout bandwagon. But for the sake of this article I am willing to focus on the most obvious and clear example of this wallet raping of Americans; the waiter. Never has a single role more aptly personified such a range of clamoring idiots better than the undoubtedly down trodden, marginalized and ever suffering waiter.
Let us pause and have a moment of silence in honor of their plight.
I used that moment to scratch my balls; their plight seemed more pressing. Anyway, how about you just consider everything I write to apply to any jackoff who expects a tip.
Let me be honest with you for just a moment. I don’t think tips are a bad idea, I really don’t. In fact, if used properly they are economist’s wet dream cum true as they display a positive reinforcement mechanism being implemented to reward those who specifically deserve it. Honestly, Maynard Keynes would jizz his pants if it worked the way it should. I can even see Sandberg and Timberlake dressed up with those silly mustaches singing it now “He left me two quarters for a tip. And I jizzed. In. My Pants”.
Oh man, those mustaches are epic. Everyone should go YouTube that right now and come back.
Ok, back. Where was I? Sorry, when I see classy dudes in 80’s suits my mind just goes all fuzzy and I lose focus. Kind of like when you get road head; except this is more dangerous since my blog could potentially impact thousands. OK, hundreds. Well maybe 10. And even if I were to have a blackout orgasm on I-85 while deepthroating some muff in my brand new Custom Ford F-8000 Super Extended Cab Nitro Tank Edition with a 45” lift and a custom steel spike where the hood ornament should be and I hit a car filled with preschoolers so they are all like, 2 to a seat, I would only kill 9. Maximum. Anyway, to help illustrate my point here are a few examples of people that deserve a tip.
Genuine Tips:
Action: The bartender that doesn’t know what a single shot of anything is regardless of what you ordered.
Result: Tip that dude! Let’s face it, if it wasn't for him you’d have to buy those sluts twice as many drinks.
Action: The cabby who let you finger that muff during your 17 block ride back from the bar.
Result: We have a winner!! Yeah, now he’s gotta wash stinky puss out of his car at 3:30 am. So wipe your hands on her boobs and hand that nice Pakistani the tip he deserves.
Action: The waitress that saw you staring at her tits and didn’t make it known to your girlfriend that she knows you know she knows you were eye fucking the shit out of her.
Result: Yes! You ought to step up and throw that broad a tip. Come on, it’s not like any of the fathers of her children are going to pay child support this month anyway.
Bullshit Tips:
Action: Some coked out hipster at Bishops just fucked up my haircut. Again.
Result: I can’t believe he already convinced me to pay $23 for a haircut and now he’s got his tracked up arm out like some beggar outside of Macy’s before Christmas. Fat fucking chance.
Action: I just paid $4 to watch some neck tatted barista pour hot coffee into a Styrofoam cup.
Result: Take a shit in the tip jar and then go add the creamer to your coffee.
Action: A waitress asked me what I wanted to eat and brought it to me.
Result: Leave her 10%. For fuck’s sake not a single state government even taxes you that much and you think just because you carried my pork chop sandwiches from the kitchen to the table entitles you to 20%. “Mmmm, those pork chop sandwiches did smell good.”
Let’s now recap all those weak sauce arguments typically given for why people deserve tips and why no one gives a shit.
“You know, tipping isn’t required” – Yeah, well society has been brainfucked to think otherwise. But if you really believed tipping wasn’t required then when someone doesn’t tip you won’t be upset and cry like that time you got your second abortion.
“We have a hard job” – You carry food on plates. Yes, I’m impressed by how many plates you carry but that’s about where the magic stops. Listen, if you don’t like your job change it. If you don’t have a college education, go get one. If you’re in college now and that’s why you’re a waitress then start stripping. If you’re ugly then I don’t care. Go hide.
“We don’t get paid enough” – Yeah I actually think it’s hilarious the federal government allows you to make less than minimum wage and you all still signed up to wait tables at Denny’s. I just peed myself laughing at that one. Seriously, though. My pants. Are soaking wet.
“We deal with asshole customers all day” – You know, it’s not just the service industry where assholes exist. LIFE IS FULL OF SHIT STAINS and most of them have day jobs. Jobs that require them to show up and interact, breath and just be a general shit stain around rest of us. For 8 hours a day. But just in case you missed that Mr. Rogers episode when you were a kid; a long time ago the rest of us found out that jobs suck. I don’t show up to work expecting jelly donuts and handjobs and neither should you.
But to help you figure it all out and never forget, I’m willing to even run a PSA about this. Like one of those awesome NBC “The More You Know” campaigns except I’d hire convicts to do the voice overs instead of George Clooney or any other Hollywood douchebag. Why? Because criminals are scary. And scary is convincing. If I hear Hollywood’s most eligible asshat telling me to “always pack a tootbrush” that will never compare to the effectiveness of watching an inmate stab another man with his.
Or better yet let’s commission the Discovery Channel to run a special on it to inform you all that assholes exist everywhere, not just in your restaurants. They could call it Fuckhead Week. It would be just like Shark Week except it would feature all the different scathing, dangerous and shitty assholes that exist everywhere. Aaaaaaaaand there wouldn't be any sharks.
….. I can see it now; you’ve just finished the last shift with everyone at your dream job as a waiter at Applebee’s. You’ve been recently promoted to Assistant to the Assistant Manager and you feel like life is sucking your cock. With two more paychecks you’ll finally have enough money for that new tribal tattoo across your back. You lock up the doors as you and the wait staff surround the bar to drink free booze, count your tips (that you won’t ever claim in your taxes) and talk about all the shitty customers you endured today. Damn, your life is tough.
Suddenly someone turns on the TV.
“Oh shit, it’s Fucktard Week” says ‘coked out and always spitting when he talks’ Waiter #1
“Hey douche bag! Turn up the fucking volume” You yell at the acne riddled busboy as you punch him in the kidneys because he makes $.40 less than you a hour and looks like he’s still in High School. Too bad you forgot he is still in high school, a place where everyone should if they work at Applebee’s.
“Double shots, pour us some double shots” – gurgles the Waitress turned Slut turned Waitress #7 whose been drunk since 7:00. She’s probably fat, ugly and the only person who doesn’t think so. She isn’t paying attention to Fucktard Week but then again that’s no surprise because she didn’t pay attention to my order. She’ll be the first to complain about her tips.
Everyone huddles around the TV like frat boys running a train as they watch in fascination. Either that or the meth they did during the dinner rush hour is hitting its second wind. Discovery has drained its budget and hired the guy from Men’s Warehouse commercials to narrate this year. Everyone leans in a little closer to the screen as their pupils start to dilate. His intro is simple but effective as he begins with unknown facts about the proliferation of fuckheads.
“Since the dawn of time man has endured the burden of his fellow fuckhead. Centuries over have seen its expansive growth reach immeasurable heights.”
As he finishes this sentence looks of affirmation appear on the faces of everyone as they are sure he could only be referring to that family tonight that asked for an extra chair or that couple that sent back their raw chicken. "What demanding fuckheads" you all mumble. But these looks quickly fade as he finishes. “And now today, they are everywhere. I guarantee it.”
A mixture of outrage, confusion and nervous twitching ensues. Some have failed to comprehend anything after doing consecutive bumps off one of the waitress tits. Nosebleeds and screaming are everywhere.
Suddenly Bob from behind the bar grabs a bottle of Jack and smashes in on the counter “No fucking way!” he shouts. “There ain’t no fucking way assholes exist anywhere but here at Applebee’s”. Bob will never realize how right he was.
At this Dimitri the janitor, and the unwitting voice of reason, pokes his head around the corner where he has been mopping piss to calmly remark “Hey commrade, quit breaking bottles. You know I have to clean that up now.” As he disappears into the background he is heard faintly saying “And commrade, if you don’t like your job, get another one.”
This onslaught of common sense mixed with potent amphetamines suddenly reaches dangerous levels and everyone’s head literally explodes (thus explaining the decor at any Applebee’s).
Commercial break.
Bottom line here folks is this. If you do what is expected then I’ll give you a small tip. If you do something extraordinary I’ll give you a reasonable tip. If you fuck up you get no tip. And if you’re beautiful I’ll give you a big tip. Yeah, life aint’ fair but when I’m hammered at 2:15 am on Saturday night and stumble into a greasy diner and order tots they are going to taste so much better if the lady serving them is wearing a low cut shirt with her titties hanging out. Mmmmmm ; tots and titties. American cuisine at its finest.
*I wrote that whole article resisting every urge in my body to make any “just the tip” jokes. Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. If I had to cut my own hands off with a saw strapped to my forehead like some whiny bitch in Saw I’d still say this was harder.
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